The Emotional Toll of Leaving Everything Behind

When living the dream starts to feel like a nightmare

New life. New adventure. New challenges. - image from Unsplash

So you’ve finally taken the big step!

You’ve packed up your old life and forged headfirst into a new adventure in a new country. Your dream has finally come true.

There is just one problem….

You’ve had to leave everything and everyone you know behind.

And, sure, that’s the point right? You can’t build a new life if you’re holding on to the old one. But the emotional toll of leaving everything behind can sneak up on us, even if we’ve prepared ourselves.

We can’t always anticipate how we will actually feel once we leave our home country.

No longer being surrounded by the places we know, the people we love, and the culture we are familiar with can feel daunting.

Once the honeymoon period wears off and reality sets in we may find ourselves feeling like an “other.” Out of place in a world that we don’t fully understand.

And while it helps to get to know our new city and neighbors, it may take a while for the locals to warm up to us. Not every society embraces outsiders readily, so it can take some time.

There may also be additional hurdles, particularly if you moved to a new country where you do not yet speak the language, share the dominant religion, or that has a culture and customs that you aren’t all that familiar with.

In no time, it could start to feel as though you’ve made a huge mistake and that you’re in over your head.

This can lead to depression, anxiety, and feeling that you’ve failed in what was supposed to be your new lease on life.

So…what now?

Image from Unsplash

Okay… take a deeeeeeeep breath

• It’s okay to not be okay

First things first: don’t beat yourself up for feeling the way that you’re feeling. Adjustment takes time and it’s okay to have all the feelings that you are going through.

Moving to a new place and starting a new life can come with a wide range of emotions: excitement, fear, joy, confusion, anxiety, grief, peace, regret…and your emotions don’t go in a straight line.

You can move through them in any order, you can revert back to earlier feelings and even feel multiple of them at the same time.

So give yourself permission to feel…whatever it is that you feel and know that it’s all a completely normal, natural, and part of the process.

Don’t pressure yourself to be better right now. Realize that things will eventually get better (although they may also get a little worse, but then become better again).

• Find a new routine. Find a new lease on life.

Making a focused effort to develop a new routine can help you feel more centered and give you a sense of normalcy. You can start to feel as though you are regaining control of your life that can sometimes feel outside of your control.

When I first moved to the Netherlands I was so excited to try out bike culture…that is until I actually tried biking and found it an incredibly painful experience (especially on my rear end…ouch!)

But instead of limiting myself to walking or falling back into the habit of driving, I bought an electric bike. It was life changing!

I’d find a good podcast, put in my headphones, pick a direction, and just…go.

The podcast made me feel not so alone and the biking made me see my new world up close and personal and, in time, I started to feel as though I could actually be at home here.

• Reach out to others for support

Now I know I said the podcast made me feel not so alone…but let’s be real: I was alone out there. And that loneliness does start to weigh on you after a while, even for those of us who are perfectly comfortable in our own company.

Your first source of support will likely come from friends and family, by way of video chats and social media and the occasional care package. (You might be surprised how many tasty snacks from back home you’ll miss!)

But this can be difficult to coordinate, especially if there is a big difference in time zones.

Finding expat groups online will help you get advice and encouragement from others who are able to understand that particulars of the new country and how to navigate challenges.

There may even be opportunities for in person meets ups. I, personally, connected with a wonderful group of women I met at a NewBees integration seminar I had to attend for my integration.

And of course work and finding hobby groups or, dare I say, introduce yourself to your neighbors!

But no matter your efforts, maintaining old connections and making new ones is a challenge, especially with all of our adult obligations getting in the way.

This is when reaching out for counseling or coaching can be beneficial.

• Tap into your “why”

From time to time you may have to do a bit of reflection on why you’ve made this big leap in the first place.

It’s so easy to become bogged down in all of the details of navigating these seemingly never ending challenges that we lose sight of what excited us about the change in the first place.

Did you come for an interesting a new job? A new education? To be with the love of your life? Or did you simply want to experience a culture much different than your own?

By remembering “why” you made the change in the first place can help reinvigorate your excitement and make the new challenges feel like temporary obstacles and not immovable barriers.

• Celebrate the small wins!

Did you navigate public transport without absolute confusion?

Did you have a nice conversation with one of the locals?

Did you reach a work milestone?

Make a new friend?

Get through the day without breaking down and feeling like you’re going completely insane?

Celebrate those wins!

Not only does it feel good to pat yourself on the back, but it helps you refocus on the progress that you’re making. It helps to remind yourself of how far you’ve come and how much you’ve achieved.

Soooo…what is your big win?